"Oh, they're in a better place now..."
I never have liked this statement. In light of what is going on in my family these days with my Paw Paw being sick and the story that Joye told me yesterday about a teacher, 24 years old and engaged to be married who died in a car wreck on the way to school one morning. I know the person who says it means well and wants to console the hearer, but its not that we feel bad for the person who has left us...we feel bad for ...ourselves. I mean, I realize they are in a better place but they are no longer here. I feel bad for this girl's family and fiance, not the girl...i feel bad for my Maw Maw and my Mom and Dad and...me, not Paw Paw. Then I think, "Is it then selfish to hurt so bad that they are not here, in a world that can be so cruel and harsh at times?" I mean shouldn't we be glad that they aren't suffering any more? I think about the story of David in the Old Testament when his son was deathly ill (i think it had something to do with his sinning...) and he was praying day and night, layed out prostrate on the floor, not eating or anything....until his son died. He then got up and washed his face had something to eat and went about his life. Someone asked him something like "Shouldn't you be sad or in mourning?" His reply was why should he pray if the child is dead? I don't know, I think sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. Just the presence of a friend in a time of grieving can be therapy. This is my plan as I prepare to go to Myrle Beach to visit with family during this time, to keep my mouth shut and just be there. Everyone will be hurting...and when that time comes I'm not going to patronize anyone with "Oh, he's in a better place now..." We know that and we're going to miss him like crazy when he's gone.
posted by Jeramie Mullis @ 2:24 PM
1 Comments:
I know your Paw Paw is suffering and everyone is sort of waiting for him to pass away, but he is not gone yet. I think going down there and treating him like he is already gone would be an awful way to send him off into whatever comes next.
I spent about five days in the hospital before my dad died. At one point we were literally waiting for him to die. Once, he was taken off the life support it was just a matter of time. Once we received word of his passing, I left and went to a basketball game. Not to play in one, but to watch one. I knew there was absolutely nothing I could change about the life my dad and I had together.
There were good times and not so good times, but they were all the times I would ever get, and nothing was going to change that. Not sitting around weeping and feeling all bad for him, or us, or whoever. I belive I took comfort in the fact that "He was in a better place now."
Did I feel bad? Yes, for my mom who would have to be without her mate, but she is a rock. You would have never know she had just lost her husband. Also, for my sisters. They both had things to come in life that he would miss. However, I can honestly say I have never felt bad about my dad passing away for me.
I feel like I made peace with his passing. Peace between he and I and peace between myself and God.
If it were me, I would go there and treat him like Paw Paw, not some dying man. I'd tell him how I felt and thank him for all he had done for me. I would worry less about patronizing those around me and worry more about not patronizing him.
But hey, that's just me.
NOTE: I am not saying your plan is bad for your family, I am just saying do not do Paw Paw a disservice by trying to be accomidating to those who are most likely going to be around for a lot longer.
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